Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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