The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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