I like to think it a success when the cops are called
he thought i was a dude.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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