I want to walk on stilts...naked
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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