What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
