some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
