Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
