I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
