just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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