whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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