I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
