Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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