whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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