I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
