Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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