Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
