Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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