I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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