He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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