I didn't shave. On purpose
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
