She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
