Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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