If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
ttyl tear gas
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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