I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
