9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
