Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
