this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
