Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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