Too much gin, very little bucket
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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