I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm having to shit out rocks
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