I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
