What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
