I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
