that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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