I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
