I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
