He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
