Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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