Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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