I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
