ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
