I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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