tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
