i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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