I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
