mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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