halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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