before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
