if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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