i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I AM VODKA MAN
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
